You know, it it wasn’t always this way. I didn’t always have a problem with my weight.
I was actually skinny as a kid. Not because I was particularly active. I was just a really quiet kid who mostly liked to sit around and read. But I was lucky enough to be naturally slim.
Even as a teenager, I practically lived on Dr.Pepper, Cheezits, and Snickers, but my daily activities kept me in a pretty normal weight range.
I didn’t start struggling until my early 20s.
It was after the failure of my first marriage. Yes, I was young and dumb and married a meth-addicted loser who stole my money and cheated on me.
But the worst thing he did to me, was the night before I was leaving to come back to my hometown he came home, drunk, and raped me.
I can still remember how heavy he felt on me. How terrified I was. How I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs for help, but at the same time I was mortified to think of his father walking in and seeing him raping me.
I blamed myself. I should have fought harder, scratched his eyes out, SOMETHING to force him to stop instead of allowing myself to be squished under him until he finally rolled off and said, “That was some good sex, baby.” *vomit*
I understand now, that it wasn’t my fault. That I wasn’t to blame for what he did. I said no. Explicitly. I struggled to kick him off of me, but he had nearly a foot and at least 50 lbs of muscle over me. I can’t change what he did, but I’m not responsible for it.
But considering this was 12 years ago, and I was much much younger, I blamed myself and let the trauma really mess me up mentally and emotionally.
Enter the next man I let into my life. A boyfriend who preferred… heavier set women…. I guess is the best way to phrase it?
I was depressed, traumatized, over worked by my job and so all I wanted to do was engage in self-destructive behaviors, isolate myself, eat, and smoke. And he was fine with it all.
You hungry baby? Let me get you fast food. Yea. You looking real good.
Like the witch in Hanzel and Gretel, just fattening me up.
By the time we broke up a year later I had gained 85 lbs. In fact, my decision to no longer be unhealthy was one of the reasons we broke up (He went on to marry two other women, both very very plus size women. They are beautiful, but I can see where he was headed with me).
Ever since then I have constantly been swinging between heavy and mediumish. I keep skipping rope between 165 and 225 lbs.
It seems like every time I get serious about losing weight and start seeing success, something inevitably happens that is so traumatic, I just completely shut down and self-destruct again.
I got down to about 170, working full time, going to school, taking care of kids (I had all three of mine by this time), hadn’t smoked in 3 years, and was feeling pretty darn bad ass. And boom! My husband (my second one!) of 7 years is discovered having an affair. In fact, I found out he had been cheating our entire relationship.
I can’t explain the logic of why I stayed with him another three years, but I did. And I was severely depressed for the first two of those three years. So again, my weight went back up to 225 lbs. I had started smoking again and generally gave zero fucks about myself.
And I got sick of it. I quit smoking. Started eating right, working out, and was doing AMAZING. Got myself down to 165 again.
Boom! He had another affair after THREE YEARS. Can you guess how I reacted?
Worse. I started smoking, eating like shit, and I even threw in some daily drinking. Which honestly, scared the crap out of me. For nearly two months straight, I would go to school, take care of the kids, and once they were in bed, I’d get drink after drink while I smoked and watched tv shows on my phone until I was sleepy enough to pass out.
I got no empathy from my husband for the hurt he caused me. In fact, he was really super cold to me. So I didn’t want to lay in that bed and sleep with him. I only stomached it by being tipsy. But after a while, I got scared. Was this my life now? Was I on the path to being an alcoholic?
So, I stopped drinking. But kept smoking and eating.
4 months after the second affair, I caught him trying to set up another one. So, I was done. Ended our relationship.
We eventually divorced 6 months later. I got an awesome new boyfriend who is just the best thing ever. Quit smoking again.
But I Can’t. Lose. Weight.
I’m back up to about 200 lbs and I know how to lose it. I’ve done it so many times before. But for some reason I can’t seem to stop eating like crap or force myself to get up early and work out. It’s like all of my determination and motivation has just drained from me.
It scares me a little.
I’ve always had incredible drive and determination. Capable of accomplishing whatever I set out to do. But I am struggling so very very hard with this.
My boyfriend and best friend tell me to go easy on myself. That I’m working full time, going to school full time, caring for three kids, my elderly ex mother in law (yes my ex husbands mother lives with me and I take care of her), and still dealing with the narcissistic shenanigans of my sociopathic ex husband. That would exhaust anyone’s reserves of energy and motivation, they say!
But, I feel like I should be able to do it. That if I just find the right schedule and get back to what I was doing before all this, that I can accomplish my weight loss along with my degree and everything else. (Because of course, I’m fucking SuperWoman y’all!!) 🦸♀️
So that’s honestly what this blog is for. I doubt anyone is ever going to read this. I doubt anyone will care about some no name nobody who is struggling like every other person is struggling. But I need an outlet. I need a way to keep myself accountable, and to make sure I can’t lie to myself and say things are ok when they’re not.
I want to be healthier. Because I am building an amazing life and I want to be the best version of myself to live that life. So I have to make changes. Just like all the other changes I’ve gone through, it will be difficult and tough, and I’m going to feel like giving up, but I can’t. Because I can’t let anyone else or even myself take away the good things I deserve in life. So, I’m putting my journey out here into the internet ether. I guess I’ll see how well it works for me, and maybe someone out there will enjoy it.
Fit Me Fitness 